I like sausages…

The other day I was at a friend’s house, and had to use his computer for something random.  He sent me back to the back room of the house where I was, staring at the bright screen in that dimly lit room, and I was overcome by temptation.

I got there, and saw his facebook page wide open.  The room was dimly lit, and so I think that contributed to the mischievous deed that came forth from somewhere deep in my bowels.

I saw it, it said “Joe Bloe is” with a blank afterward with grey text that said something like, “What’s on your mind?”  I swear, there appeared a thousand imps inside me (no, not Legion, he wouldn’t be quite so funny as me, a lack of sense of humor being one of the chief failures of the demonic host), and they had something on their mind.

“I like sausages.”

So, next to that cool pose and smiling face of my good friend, in a nano-second, there appeared that wonderful phrase.

“I like sausages.”

Bratwursts, Chorizos, Italian, Polish…

The only thing I hadn’t counted on was all the sick, perverted minds in this world that would thing I was attributing a sexual orientation to my friend.  May it never be!  And when I saw THOSE responses on his facebook, I got seriously embarrassed.  How dare they!

So, next time you are having a backyard cookout, and the peppers and onions are sizzling on the grill, and the brats are dripping, and the tops are popping on your favorite refreshing beverage, make sure you don’t leave your Facebook account open.  You never know who might drop by.

Islamigood?

My friend Mike laid one of those great quotes on me that forever changed my life.  I use it now every day, at least once, so people don’t miss a chance to realize how smart I am.  The quote goes like this.  It comes from ancient China.  “The beginning of wisdom is calling things by their right names.”

For instance…  If you looked at me and said, “Hey Bill,” then you would show how unwise you were. Not only that, I wouldn’t say anything back to you.  Well, I might say, “You have me confused.”  Or, if you really seemed nice, I might tell you about all the times I would respond to the wrong name when I was younger due to a perpetual fear of making people feel stupid.  Stupd and bad.

So, I had a thought.  Maybe we could go a long way toward stemming Middle East confusion and violence by trying out different names for things.  Take Islamibad for example.  Aren’t you just asking for trouble by saying Islam Bad every time you mention that fine capital city.  Try, “JudaismBad” for Jerusalem, or ChristianityBad for the Vatican (well, you might be on to something with THAT particular example).

So, I am going to try it.  At least, give it a shot.  Islamigood.  Who knows.  Maybe militants in safe havens in the mountains of autonomous tribal regions will start beating their Kalishnakovs into plowshares.

If Istanbul was once Constantinople, surely we can do better than Islamibad.

Maybe I’m wrong.  But maybe, just maybe, it’s the beginning of wisdom.